i hate running

it's not fun. and it hurts. and i have blisters. and it hurts. and my legs ache. and it hurts.
recap of my day: 600m sprints, 500m sprints, 400m sprints, 100m sprints.. and then another half mile and other fun exercises. ughhh. at least i have shotput training tomorrow, this is gonna be fun =]

i had track today..

and it was alright :) i almost skipped it because i'm a bum and i reallyyyyy didn't wanna run, lol.. but it was good. like a nice jog in boston. haha. but yeah, i tried shot putting and the coach accidentally gave me the guy one which is 4 pounds heavier so i felt like a loser.. but then i finally got the right one and i threw it like a monster! haha.. but with wrong technique so that kinda sucked, haha. i know, i am such a smart person, right? but yeah.. so i basically took a lap and then trained for shotput.. and then after the track people were already dismissed, coach made us run another mile! i know.. he's a crazy man.. but thank goodness i had a doctors appointment so i just had to run two laps and i was freeee!! woohooo!! but OMGOODNESS, i forgot socks so now i have a blister on each foot. SUCKS.

and swimming. yessss! lol, i hate swimming but today we did water aerobics which is... interesting.. at least we didn't have to swim laps cause if we did i woulda been so dead. so overall.. today was also a good day! yippeeee!!

and OH YEAH! i almost forgot this bit.. apparently it's good to have anger stored inside of you to be good at shot put... i have a good feeling about this :) lol.. there's also another practice tomorrow. i'm excited now :/

haha, well ENOUGH ABOUT ME! how was your day my lovely friend? feel free to write a whole 'nother blog in your comment :)

i am a beast in track

...PSYCH! lol, i basically suck at it. it is so intense and my legs are aching. i felt like i was gonna drop dead.. but i left early so i missed the 200 meter and the mile, luck me :) haha. but yeah, i dont know how much longer i can deal with this for! and i have swimming in gym tomorrow.. funstuff.. if you're a walrus! haha, i dont know why but i'm cracking jokes like crazy right now. but yeah, ima be sore tomorrow.

and hmm. i'm doing really bad in school right now. like a fresh term and i'm already struggling ans procrastinating. i really need to stay on track and focus on schoolwork and all that good stuff. and yeah, i've been ungrounded since saturday and its so freeing! lol.. no i am not weird, i'm special. ahh, lifeee. but so far life has been good, i have nothing to rant about and nothing to complain about right now. i wouldn't mind having a day like this more often :) (minus track and school)

and OMG! let's go find a summer camp to go to together :)

things i'll never say

is a good song. lol, you all probably thought i was gonna rant about my life again because of the title, right? but yeah, today's been a good day so far.. relaxing and quiet and full of shopping. and yepp, i have a pretty boring life so not much is left to say, but yeah..OH!
Things I'm thankful for:
-Jesus
-my family
-my friends
-things i already have

i think i should be thankful for a lot of other things, but "things i already have" basically covers my life, so yeah... i could make it less broad but this list would practically go on foreverrrrr so i won't do that to you, lol. but yepp, i might edit this later so stay with me!

life

edit//
the words didn't hurt me so much.. like not the stuff that the person wrote. but what made me really hurt was that someone in our youth group would say that. like putting someone down like that. it just makes me scared of what we're turning into.. like a place where people can't even feel loved anymore' where we can't even really fellowship anymore.

so yeah. i was on facebook and looking at stuff on compare people which said some really mean things about me. and i guess i was sorta mad, like how can you not be? but i was even more just plain sad for whoever it is. like.. they have so much to say about others and they don't even look at themselves and stuff. and that they try to bring you down instead of helping you up and stuff. and i'm pretty sure it was someone from LYF which makes it all the bit worse. i thought church was about fellowship and really being able to love God and to serve others and stuff but yeah. it was just these random messages that yeah.

i think God's testing my humbleness and patience. please pray that i'll be able to have growth in these areas. thanks.

ahhhhhh.

edit// yeah, i was being really negative but yeah. i guess like i was really harsh on several things and i guess it's just one of those things that really push me, and they're not bad alll the time. like.. with my fam its like these random moments and then other moments that are just amazing and awesome. but the things that suck are the things that stick out in my mind the most, you know? but yeah, i'm not gonna take it out now cause it's like a letter to myself.. that other people can see? lol. but yeah. i think ima keep this and then print it out and read it a year later and see what happens. and no, i do not need to be put into an asylum or have to see a guidance counselor. i just need someone i can talk to about these kinda things and not just shallow crap. so yeah, call me anytime :) and i wrote a very emo-ish song if you wanna hear it.

i hate life. i dunno, recently i've just been really depressed and stuff and it seems like everything's wrong. and with blair's blog and saying that OC thing about marissa throwing a lawn chair into the pool. yeah, i didnt exactly do that but i like screamed and punched a wall. it was pretty bad. people make me mad. things make me mad. life makes me mad

and yeah, i hate moving. i hate it here. i always wonder how it would've been like if i were still in Groton. i was suree that high school was gonna be the best days of my life. too bad i moved and now it sucks. my parents, esp my mom, thinks its like the best thing for me.. its a better education. but still, i like my friends and i miss them. she even told me that she was hoping that i would never talk to them or hang out with them, which sucks cause they're one of the only few people who i can really be myself around.

right now, i'm like calm and stuff and if i had the internet yesterday, i'd be ranting like there's no tomorrow. right now it's better but still. i feel like i'm wearing a "mask" all the time. i pretend like my life's perfect; like i have it all together.. when in reality it's just the opposite. i have so much hurt stored inside and i haven't ever gotten it out. like, moving, and problems with my parents, and just things that i have stored inside of me. i dont think i've ever really talked to anyone about these things because.. i dunno. it seems like i can't really trust people.. or that i'm scared of how they'd react..like i always have a feeling people are going to start pitying me or not be the same. last night was the most i've ever cried in my life i think.. and the angriest i've ever been. it just seems like life is trying to make me suffer and that i have no one. everything's wrong. my house/home (even though it's not exacttly "home" to me) is the last place i wanna be. i hate it here and every little thing i do, i'm yelled at for. i tossed my mom a cough drop, i freaking TOSSED it to her.. and she yelled at me for having attitude and being a jerk. like, come on!

i've also had thoughts of running away.. last night and before.. but it's never happened and i just feel so alone and sad sometimes and that's all i wanted to do. everytime i move, i think i have those thoughts. in 6th grade, i planned running away to california, now it's just back to groton. like, i just hate it so much here.. and i know i sound like a whiner and a baby but it's just that life is so hard.. and it seems like the older i get, the more problems build up for me, and the more my rlaltionships with my family suffer.

wow, i didn't think it was gonna be this long. so yeah, thanks for listening/reading my rant. if you read it, thanks, but yeah. i have never gotten these out and i didnt think i was ever gonna. i was contemplating whether or not to leave this private and just burn it.. but i'm letting my guard down and not keeping it in me anymore. thanks. i love you all.

the time has come

for real fellowship, period.

so i'm in a free

woohoo! this is like the only time i can actually go on a comp since i'm shunned from it at home, haha. so last night, we had hot pot with my  wholeeee family! wooho! haha, it was pretty nice but i was so bored since nothing's on tv sundays and i wanted to sleep at like 6:30 but i ended up not because asian adults are SO LOUD! lol, anyways, yeah. it was aiiight. and i have so much unvented anger.. so i wrote in my journal thing and that helped relieve stress. i've been really stressed lately and so much anger trapped inside of me, i dont even think its healthy. i need to write more often.. i heard angst makes really good songs.. haha

hmm. so yeah, i'm bored. i actually finished all my hw last night so i dont have to cram anything in. i also have ANOTHER free last period, so i think i could basically call my mom to pick me up and it wouldnt even matter, lol. but yeah, life is ahmazing, right? what can i do?! SO BORING, I'M GONNA DIE! and i have a free in art, too.. so basically its doing nothing.. i'd rather have art than a free, if i may say so myself.

so yeah, please pray for my anger issues, being able to vent it out, and having a forgiving heart. and oh yeah, i hold so many grudges and pretend like everything's okay, so that too. alright, i'm outt. i love you all.

temper temper

lol, i love that song. the beat is so catchy.. so yeah, people make me mad sometimes. like the littlest things. when people say something and accuse me of something and stuff and it turns out to be wrong and they try to pretend nothing happened. those are the kind of things that make me mad. ahhh, whatever. i'll live. but yeah, i guess i need prayer for that. and i read my devos this morning and it like instructed that and so did Pastor Mac's message on mercy and forgiveness and stuff. so yeah, that was good. and now ima get off the comp cause i'm "abusing" my rights. whatever. kay, call me so i can actually have some connection to the outer  world.