ahhhhhh.

edit// yeah, i was being really negative but yeah. i guess like i was really harsh on several things and i guess it's just one of those things that really push me, and they're not bad alll the time. like.. with my fam its like these random moments and then other moments that are just amazing and awesome. but the things that suck are the things that stick out in my mind the most, you know? but yeah, i'm not gonna take it out now cause it's like a letter to myself.. that other people can see? lol. but yeah. i think ima keep this and then print it out and read it a year later and see what happens. and no, i do not need to be put into an asylum or have to see a guidance counselor. i just need someone i can talk to about these kinda things and not just shallow crap. so yeah, call me anytime :) and i wrote a very emo-ish song if you wanna hear it.

i hate life. i dunno, recently i've just been really depressed and stuff and it seems like everything's wrong. and with blair's blog and saying that OC thing about marissa throwing a lawn chair into the pool. yeah, i didnt exactly do that but i like screamed and punched a wall. it was pretty bad. people make me mad. things make me mad. life makes me mad

and yeah, i hate moving. i hate it here. i always wonder how it would've been like if i were still in Groton. i was suree that high school was gonna be the best days of my life. too bad i moved and now it sucks. my parents, esp my mom, thinks its like the best thing for me.. its a better education. but still, i like my friends and i miss them. she even told me that she was hoping that i would never talk to them or hang out with them, which sucks cause they're one of the only few people who i can really be myself around.

right now, i'm like calm and stuff and if i had the internet yesterday, i'd be ranting like there's no tomorrow. right now it's better but still. i feel like i'm wearing a "mask" all the time. i pretend like my life's perfect; like i have it all together.. when in reality it's just the opposite. i have so much hurt stored inside and i haven't ever gotten it out. like, moving, and problems with my parents, and just things that i have stored inside of me. i dont think i've ever really talked to anyone about these things because.. i dunno. it seems like i can't really trust people.. or that i'm scared of how they'd react..like i always have a feeling people are going to start pitying me or not be the same. last night was the most i've ever cried in my life i think.. and the angriest i've ever been. it just seems like life is trying to make me suffer and that i have no one. everything's wrong. my house/home (even though it's not exacttly "home" to me) is the last place i wanna be. i hate it here and every little thing i do, i'm yelled at for. i tossed my mom a cough drop, i freaking TOSSED it to her.. and she yelled at me for having attitude and being a jerk. like, come on!

i've also had thoughts of running away.. last night and before.. but it's never happened and i just feel so alone and sad sometimes and that's all i wanted to do. everytime i move, i think i have those thoughts. in 6th grade, i planned running away to california, now it's just back to groton. like, i just hate it so much here.. and i know i sound like a whiner and a baby but it's just that life is so hard.. and it seems like the older i get, the more problems build up for me, and the more my rlaltionships with my family suffer.

wow, i didn't think it was gonna be this long. so yeah, thanks for listening/reading my rant. if you read it, thanks, but yeah. i have never gotten these out and i didnt think i was ever gonna. i was contemplating whether or not to leave this private and just burn it.. but i'm letting my guard down and not keeping it in me anymore. thanks. i love you all.